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jfhjghfgh's Journal
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| Friday, June 18th, 2004 |
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it gets light so early these days. no sleeep is fun sometimes. i wish i had a voice like this. fjhfdhhjfgfg deadjournal sucks |
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| Monday, May 24th, 2004 |
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i started to learn 'sink, florida, sink' by against me! and some other songs too. guitar is really easier than i thought it would be. yeah birthday soon. coool. fjgfjhfg d dfdgfhf fgfgfjgfgfjh i won the lottery too |
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| Friday, April 23rd, 2004 |
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| ( I Took Photos ) | ||||||||
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| Thursday, April 22nd, 2004 |
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lots of coffee, no one in. today I woke up early but i could hear people moving around the house so I waited until they all left before I got up. Today is so nice, I should be outside. |
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ilaaaaaaayou: some nigger said ilaaaaaaayou: "i was sitting around, looking at all these black peopleand i realized, fuck these peopla re ugly, im hotter then all them" ilaaaaaaayou: (hes half white) ilaaaaaaayou: and he said ilaaaaaaayou: "i guess i got the best looks of both races so im really lucky" ilaaaaaaayou: and angela saidd "whys that matter?" ilaaaaaaayou: he siad "looks are important whether you like it ornot" ilaaaaaaayou: and she said "why?" ilaaaaaaayou: and he said "cuz they count" ilaaaaaaayou: "count for what?" ilaaaaaaayou: "at least 50percent" ilaaaaaaayou: "percent of what?" ilaaaaaaayou: "personality" ilaaaaaaayou: what the fuck hagarthewomb: guess he got the black mans brains yeah that was fuuuuny!!! :] hahaha |
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| "I think sometimes that the two symbols of our present kind of technological culture are the rocket ship and the bulldozer. The rocket as a very, very phallic symbol of compensation for the sexually inadequate male. And the bulldozer, which ruthlessly pushes down hills and forests and alters the shape of the landscape. These are two symbols of the negative aspect of our technology. I'm not going to take the position that technology is a mistake. I think that there could be a new kind of technology, using a new attitude. But the trouble is that a great deal of our power is wielded by men who I would call 'two o'clock types.'" | ||||
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| Monday, April 5th, 2004 |
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| Wednesday, March 10th, 2004 |
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Up on the white veranda She wears a necktie and a Panama hat. Her passport shows a face From another time and place She looks nothin' like that. And all the remnants of her recent past Are scattered in the wild wind. She walks across the marble floor Where a voice from the gambling room is callin' her to come on in. She smiles, walks the other way As the last ship sails and the moon fades away From Black Diamond Bay. As the mornin' light breaks open, the Greek comes down And he asks for a rope and a pen that will write. "Pardon, monsieur," the desk clerk says, Carefully removes his fez, "Am I hearin' you right?" And as the yellow fog is liftin' The Greek is quickly headin' for the second floor. She passes him on the spiral staircase Thinkin' he's the Soviet Ambassador, She starts to speak, but he walks away As the storm clouds rise and the palm branches sway On Black Diamond Bay. A soldier sits beneath the fan Doin' business with a tiny man who sells him a ring. Lightning strikes, the lights blow out. The desk clerk wakes and begins to shout, "Can you see anything?" Then the Greek appears on the second floor In his bare feet with a rope around his neck, While a loser in the gambling room lights up a candle, Says, "Open up another deck." But the dealer says, "Attendez-vous, s'il vous plait,'' As the rain beats down and the cranes fly away From Black Diamond Bay. The desk clerk heard the woman laugh As he looked around the aftermath and the soldier got tough. He tried to grab the woman's hand, Said, "Here's a ring, it cost a grand." She said, "That ain't enough." Then she ran upstairs to pack her bags While a horse-drawn taxi waited at the curb. She passed the door that the Greek had locked, Where a handwritten sign read, "Do Not Disturb." She knocked upon it anyway As the sun went down and the music did play On Black Diamond Bay. "I've got to talk to someone quick!" But the Greek said, "Go away," and he kicked the chair to the floor. He hung there from the chandelier. She cried, "Help, there's danger near Please open up the door!" Then the volcano erupted And the lava flowed down from the mountain high above. The soldier and the tiny man were crouched in the corner Thinking of forbidden love. But the desk clerk said, "It happens every day," As the stars fell down and the fields burned away On Black Diamond Bay. As the island slowly sank The loser finally broke the bank in the gambling room. The dealer said, "It's too late now. You can take your money, but I don't know how You'll spend it in the tomb." The tiny man bit the soldier's ear As the floor caved in and the boiler in the basement blew, While she's out on the balcony, where a stranger tells her, "My darling, je vous aime beaucoup." She sheds a tear and then begins to pray As the fire burns on and the smoke drifts away From Black Diamond Bay. I was sittin' home alone one night in L.A., Watchin' old Cronkite on the seven o'clock news. It seems there was an earthquake that Left nothin' but a Panama hat And a pair of old Greek shoes. Didn't seem like much was happenin', So I turned it off and went to grab another beer. Seems like every time you turn around There's another hard-luck story that you're gonna hear And there's really nothin' anyone can say And I never did plan to go anyway To Black Diamond Bay |
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| Saturday, March 6th, 2004 |
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| det känns meningslöst | ||
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| Thursday, March 4th, 2004 |
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with all the flaws of technology we are forced to destroy to keep with our "needs" but our "needs" are superficial cause the best things in life are free solar energy is perfect it's abundant and free but they cannnot sell the sun so they pollute the air we breathe if there's gas burning over that then there's money to be made it doesn't matter if we choke, just as long as they're paid humanity is diggin it's own grave from the master in his high rise, to his hunched over slaves we are all to blame we're wasteful and greedy, in our own ways examine your actions, retrace your steps the oblivious fool is the fool who breeds death you cannot attack the whole until you kill the fool inside so much can be done but you most first use your mind you'll never be perfect unless you drop out of life you're a cavity just the same we must realize we're either making things worse or helping things change there is no better place save the earth why all die in misery? break the chains we can't change in our graves save the earth and we're damned to count on you break your chains |
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| Thursday, February 26th, 2004 |
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a great river of acid to boil your troubles away the sun comes up a bright red sky it's just another bloody day |
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| Monday, February 16th, 2004 |
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| it is weird to think about how this world once was and how it is now. | ||||||
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| Monday, February 9th, 2004 |
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Treason. Treason. This world make me fuckin sick. I hate the way that if I was to sacrifice the life of one person from England in order to save a thousand people from Iraq I'd be considered a traitor, I'd be considered a fucking terrorist. I saved 999 lives but i'd still be in the wrong. The way this whole world works is totally screwed: the queen is more important than one thousand alcoholics and junkies, when shes does just as little for society as they do. I can't believe we are all so fucking dumb. I was on some site looking at articles on serial killers as I often do and there was a link to articles on "terrorists." The thing that shocked me was they way that some CIA agent who sold some information on a nuclear bomb to Russia was held as more of a criminal than someone who killed 15 people for no reason. “You were told that you were now part of an elite service, and that your job was paramount to the very survival of the United States. Because of these things, you were entitled to lie, cheat, deceive. You could operate in disguise, be anyone you wished.” That seems like bullshit to me, survival of the united states?? What by keeping their nuclear weapons that could wipe out the whole of Europe a secret? Fuck that! Has the whole of humanity gone so far back that all we care about it the survival of our own countries? The reputation of one country matters more than the whole population of another? Fucking patriotic people make me so sick, they're the kind of people that would kill a thousand fucking Columbians just to save David Beckham and our stupid "BRITISH PRIDE". FUCK ENGLAND! I'M NOT FUCKING ENGLISH! FUCK THE UNITED KINGDOM! FUCK EUROPE! I'M NOT EUPOPEAN! I AM A FUCKING INHABITANT OF THE WORLD, I DO NOT OWN THE WORLD, JUST LIKE NO ONE ELSE OWNS THE WORLD, I am just one part of it, exactly the same as an ant, or as a fucking leaf. One day i'll be gone, and it really does not matter whether it is tomorrow or in 50 years. I will come and go, the same as the queen, the same as a wasp, the same as George Bush, the same as a blade of grass. Nobody is important. I deserve no more than an ant or a leaf, and I cannot begin to understand why people think we do. “I also had come to believe that the CIA was morally corrupt. The CIA is all about maintaining and expanding American imperial power, which I had come to think was wrong... and finally, I did not feel any sense of loyalty to what mass culture had become. How does treason fit into all of this? In some ways, not at all" So this person who realised the truth and that protecting US secrets from Russians really did not matter at all got a prison sentance? While someone from the CIA decides that killing all known Russian spies is a good thing gets to walk free? I WANT TO DIE RIGHT FUCKING NOW! I HATE TO BE ASSOCIATED WITH SUCH A RETARDED SPECIES! FUCKING HELL! |
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| Thursday, February 5th, 2004 |
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It's Myra Hindley on the cover, Your very own sweet anti-mother. There she is on the pages of The Star, Ain't that just the place you wish you were? Let her rot in hell is what you said, Let her rot, let her starve, you'd see her dead. Let her out but don't forget to tell you where she is, The chance to screw her is a chance you wouldn't miss. Let her suffer, give her pain is the verdict you gave, You just can't wait to piss on her grave. You pretend that you're horrified, make out that you care, But really you wish that you had been there. You say you can't bear the thought of what she did, But you'd do it to her, you'd see her dead. Tell me, what is the difference between her and you? You say that you would kill her, well, what else would you do? Don't you see that violence has no end? Isn't limited by rules? Don't you see as angels preaching you're nothing but the fools? Fools step in, where angels fear to tread, You see, to kill others is the ethic of the dead. She's the anti-mother, mommy is that you? She's the anti-mother, mother, mother is that you? That single mug shot from the past Ensures your fantasy can last and last. It gives you the chance to air your hate Because she got there first, you were too late. Hindleys' crime was to do what others think, Took her anger and her prejudice and pushed it to the brink. Then you goodly christian people, with your sickly mask of love, Would tear that woman limb from limb, you'd never get enough. So you keep the story alive, So you can make yourselves believe, That you are so much better than her. But you aren't, that's YOUR GUILT laying there. |
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| Sunday, February 1st, 2004 |
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what's wrong with the world? Lets start with global deforestation, the systematic consumption and waste of natural resources to the point of exhaustion, and the over-pollution of the environment to a degree that is ridiculous. The air is becoming unbreatheable, the water undrinkable and the Earth so toxic and stripped of its natural state that all it can do is erode away. Whole regions of the world are drifting away by means of stream and river, leaving deep gullies and deserts where there was once rain forest. We have brought about the extinction of plants and animals by the tens of thousands of species. We bear witness to the mass extermination of one ethnic group by another, and perpetual battles fought over territory and “holy lands” as a matter of habit. Why are they a matter of habit? Because they’ve been going on for so many decades that the fighting is hardly considered newsworthy. Our governments fight wars so frequently and for purposes so predictably insane, that the public has become insensitive to the bombing of persons it shall never actually see face to face. Never mind the fact that a huge portion of our tax money is devoted to a bloated military and the self guiding missiles they employ, “to protect national interests”, (“national interests” almost always means exploitable reserves of oil, food, labor, importable goods, or an exportable market). News of the bombing or economic strangling of foreign countries is taken as part of the normal routine, and considered barely worth mentioning in daily conversation. The public seems completely disinterested in even questioning foreign or domestic policy. We leave all that to the politicians, and our evaluation of politicians and their behavior we leave to the corporate-owned media. Our policies and economics have plunged nations into states of mass starvation, or converted their workforce into little more than wage slaves, who assemble luxury goods for us at the cost of their own economies. Our economic philosophy is one of bullying the competition, regardless of the social consequences. When at last we have nearly total control of a region or country, we “create jobs” for the native population, paying them a tenth as much as our own legal minimum wage, while forcing 12+ hour days upon the workers who are often under-age. We force other nations to be dependent upon our “good will”, (loans) and products, (brand name exports) rather than encouraging self sufficiency, after bribing local governments for the “right” to do so. In all of these cases the actual benefit to the native population is given only the consideration on paper that it needs, so that the idea can be sold to puppet dictators who are also on the national payroll, one way or another. These world-wide projects are an example of your tax money hard at work! There’s not enough money for schools and libraries, but there is always enough money to keep 50+ naval vessels afloat every second of every day. The local police force is being charged again for unlawful entry and the use of excessive force. The “war on drugs” rages on with seizures of personal property and prison sentences that exceed those of murderers, while the public swims in a sea of prescription “medications”. The reality we witness is a progressive loss of personal freedoms in legal double-talk, the crumbling of civil and constitutional rights, increased war among nations and neighbors, with death, disease and fundamental dissatisfaction as the common-place norms of daily living. To be realistic, it would be far easier to review what humanity has done right, simply because this would involve a comparatively brief list. |
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| Tuesday, January 27th, 2004 |
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| jag hatar sömnlöshet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | ||
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| Wednesday, January 21st, 2004 |
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So apparently it's only Wednesday and not Friday, this is all getting too confusing, I can't tell between what's real and what's not. I swear that I had a deep conversation with my cat this morning but that can't happen I just realised. Real life sucks, I prefer the life I have in my head, it more interesting and I kill people and I talk to people and I do impressive things and sometimes I think it's really happening and I get confused when I find out that I really didn't do those things when I was sure that I did. The people in my head are more fun than most of the real people I know too, they like to eat toast with me and have fights using planks of wood with me and argue with me all night and I get confused when I go into town and they're not there and when they don't come to the pub with us. Umm, am I fucked? |
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The Andy Is Bored And SO Will Drink A Lot Of Coffee Experiment All In The Name Of Science. Tomorrow my mum will not be at work, which means she will be here and that means that I wish to sleep all through tomorrow. I am going to stay up all night tonight to make me feel very tired in the morning and i'm going to have some fun by drinking as much fucking coffee as possible and updating this every half an hour or something, with whatevers on my mind and maybe i'll take some photos of stuff. Don't miss it you fat bitches! This is being done in true conditions: No Sugar, No Milk. 1.44AM - Cup Number One While I was waiting for the kettle to boil I noticed my cat Scumnose trying to sleep in a half empty crate of boddingtons, she looked kind of uncomfortable so I removed 4 of the cans to give her more space and realised that there was 12 cans in total, thoughts popped into my head about a boddingtons experiment but then the kettle finished boiling and God had spoken for me. I chose my cup for such a highly important event carefully, it has Slimer from ghostbusters on it. The Coffee is "Dowde Egberts continental gold - medium roast" I put in 3 heaped spoonfuls and poured in the water and now I am drinking it. 2.10AM - Cup Number Two Due to the fact that I'm already doing the "junkie shuffle" and am finding George Bush's speech thing funny I only added 2 spoonfuls of coffee in this one but I am also drinking a can of coke with it and umm that's about all. Soon I plan to listen to dark side of the moon. 2.35AM Stomach hurts, mouth feels like shit, heart is pushing against my ribs, feel sick. 3.06AM I'm listening to dark side of the moon, it's calming me down, I'm glad I have a vinyl player in here. I want some weed haha. I don't think i'm ever going to drink coffee again after tonight. 3.28AM - Cup Number Six Fuck coffee, I have a cup of tea and that's my lot. In total I have had 14 heaped teaspoons of coffee, can of coke and now this tea. My heart isn't very good now, I'm also bored. I shouldn't be bored. |
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| Tuesday, January 20th, 2004 |
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Today has been quite good, the same as every other day though and that's becoming quite a problem in my head. I feel a massive urge to do something other than sit on here, or watching TV. I've got so much spare time and I could be doing almost anything, but I never do. All the past few days and night have blurred into one. I can't remember if it was last night I drank cider or the night before or if I even did drink cider, it all just seems like one really boring dream, this morning seems like so long ago and I can't rememeber anything. Yep, my memory is so bad right now I keep forgetting that i'm talking to people online and I just stop for about half an hour, which is shit becuase people hardly ever talk to me anyway and they're not going to if I keep forgetting to talk back. I can't even...well, lets just say I can't remember anything really. I really want to get out of here as soon as possible, it feels like this house that is just holding me back. I finished off removing nearly every one of my old entries and removed pretty much everyone off of my friends list, except for the special few. Haha. Don't bother asking to be put back on. I'm in a shitty mood today and it's not like any of my entries are friends only anyway, and don't take it personally. Actually, do, that would be more funny. So yeah i'm going to try and keep this at least a little bit interesting and insightful and interlectual from now on (and any other word that begins with 'in'...including inbred) and not just what I slipped into for the last few months, I know exactly why I started adding all those crap "fsfffhsuif, I like shoes" kind of entries but i'm not going into that, this entry is too long already. |
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| Thursday, January 8th, 2004 |
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Industrialism is the process by which people cease producing things directly for their own immediate needs. Instead, things are produced through specialized and centralized institutions. The producing institutions can be quite varied (for example, factories, universities, governments) depending on the things produced (automobiles, knowledge, law and order). In any given society, there are degrees to which such specialized and centralized institutions control production. Among the American Indians, for example, there were practically no such institutions. In modern America, on the other hand, nearly every aspect of life has been industrialized. When most of a society's production (of whatever nature) is controlled by specialized institutions, I call that society industrialized. There is no recorded instance in history where a highly industrialized system of life was voluntarily chosen by a non-industrial society. In every case, industrialism has been imposed on the people by the violence of the institutions themselves. In Europe, industrialism was an edifice built on the blood and gore of centuries of Christian violence. In America, it came to power through the annihilation of the Indians and the enslavement of the Blacks. In Russia, it was the fruit of Stalin's grim war of terror against the peasants. In the modern Third World, it is everywhere coming to power through the conflicting imperial ambitions of America, Russia, and China. In every case, militarism has been the means by which industrialism has triumphed. Industrialism, therefore, is not just a system of production. It is also a system of power. Industrialism, by its very nature, destroys the magic of human existence. Consider the way we, as industrialized people, relate to our environment. Everywhere we see huge cities, highways, factories, universities, airports. Everywhere the trees, the plants, the animals have been slaughtered. In 1969, the Atmospheric Sciences Research Center reported that there was no longer any uncontaminated air anywhere in North America. In 1970, Thor Heyerdahl crossed the Atlantic in a handmade boat. He reported that he could not find one oil-free stretch of water during the entire crossing. What kind of people are we that we do this to the environment? "Only those who have broken off their silent inner dialogue with man and nature, only those who experience the world as dead, stupid, or alien and therefore without a claim to reverence, could ever turn upon their environment and their fellows with the cool and meticulously calculated rapacity of industrial society." (Roszak) Nature people everywhere believe that the earth, the trees, the moon are living personalities who talk to us and with whom we can communicate. We laugh at them and call them savages. Could they be right, after all? If so, when they talk to us about these things they must feel like people with vision trying to explain color to someone who is blind. "Man was created to have room to move about in, to gaze into far distances, to live in rooms which, even when they were tiny, opened out on fields. See him now, enclosed by the rules and architectural necessities imposed by over-population in a twelve-by-twelve closet opening out on an anonymous world of city streets" (Ellul). Industrialism continues to teach that humans are superior to animals and that "civilization" consists in getting as far away as possible from our animal nature. Wilhelm Reich correctly believed that the rise of fascism in industrialized countries was dependent on the repression of our animal nature within the bourgeois family. "The theory of the German superman has its origins in man's efforts to disassociate himself from the animal" (Reich). When alienated from their animal nature, people come to view it as evil, and then look for an outside authority-figure to keep it repressed. "The Leader," whether political or religious, suppresses from without what is feared from within. The Nazis associated homosexuality with animal behavior (which, like all sexuality, it is). They violently purged their own party of known Gay people, destroyed the early antecedents of the Gay Liberation Movement, and sent masses of Gay people to the gas chambers. The industrial system has made us forget how to live. Nature people know how to make their own houses, food, medicine, clothes, religious rites, humor, and entertainment. These skills keep them from becoming enslaved by money. Since people always retain the skills of survival, it's very difficult for an aristocracy of money to get control of their lives. The people don't need money to survive. In an industrial society, however, we are never taught the skills of how to live. We become totally dependent on money for meeting our every need. If the money runs out, we have nothing to eat, nothing to wear, nowhere to sleep. As a result, we become totally dependent on those who control money. In capitalist countries, these are the huge business monopolies. In communist countries, it is the state. Industrialism has degraded both labor and leisure. Most people in industrial societies are in fact wage slaves, working forty hours a week or more at monotonous, hateful "jobs" for the sole purpose of making enough money to live and enjoy life. When they come home debilitated from such alienated labor, they have nothing left to their souls except alienated leisure: television, movies, newspapers, all of which indoctrinate with industrial values. Like schools and universities, these media are part of the general anesthesia. Industrialism has devastated our sexual lives. We complain that we treat each other's bodies unfeelingly, as so many objects, to use and dispose of. Yet we fail to realize that we treat everything (including ourselves) as so many objects to use and dispose of. We fail to see that the total objectification of our environment and of nature is a direct effect of the power system of industrialization. If we have been conditioned throughout our lives to objectify everything, how can we fail to objectify those who excite us sexually? The industrial system has reduced sex to a procreative activity, just as it reduces all human functions to productive activities. Under industrialism, the purpose of sex has become purely economic: to breed consumers, workers, and soldiers for their proper roles in industrial and military hierarchies. Sexual relations have been reduced to productive relations. The basic unit of people-production is the monogamous heterosexual family. Sex itself is locked up in secrecy, privacy, darkness, embarrassment, and guilt. That's how the industrial system manages to keep it under control. Among nature peoples, as we have seen, sex is part of the public religion and education of the tribes. It becomes a collective celebration of the powers that hold the universe together. Its purpose is its own pleasure. Any group of people with such practices and values can never be dominated by industrial institutions. That's why the first thing industrial societies do on contact with "primitives" is make them feel guilty about sex and their bodies. The historical tools for doing this have been patriarchal religions. The whole industrial system is like one great night of the living dead where the entire populace has been reduced emotionally to the level of zombies. It has deadened us to our environment, deprived us of art, sterilized our animal nature, robbed us of the skills of survival, degraded our labor and leisure, and decimated our sexual lives. And so it has made us like the living dead - dead to nature, dead to each other, dead to ourselves. All the highly industrialized nations of the earth, regardless of whether they are communist or capitalist, show the same effects of the impact of technology: concentration of political and economic power in the hands of a few; increasing regimentation of every aspect of life, including thoughts, emotions, and even fantasies; and devastation of the environment. "In spite of all the men of good will, all the optimists, all the doers of history, the civilizations of the world are being ringed about with a band of steel" (Ellul). The industrial wasteland has come upon us from our past. It is the gestation of over 2,000 years of patriarchal rule, the last offspring of Christian/industrial institutions. It is vast. It is powerful. It has respected neither culture nor ideology. It has spread like a cancer over the whole face of the earth. It has ruined our work, our art, our environment, and our emotional and sexual lives. It has cost us the magic sense of life. If we are ever to rise up from the dead and regain our rightful place in nature, we will have to do more than put our faith in the state, the party, or technology - all of which are mere props of industrialism. We will have to tap the saving energies that now lie buried in ourselves and in nature. And that means we will have to summon forth powers that have not been known since the days of the shamans. |
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jfhjghfgh's Journal
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happy.
awake.
hungry.
confused.
bored.
hot.